Ahhhhhh I slammed a car door on my finger today. It hurts. But when I apply pressure to it and stop the flow of blood to it, it stops hurting. Wonder if the same will be true for my heart?

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I started off this morning looking forward for today... but now I fucking wished it never began for me in the first place. *writes this while crying*

I can't take it...
This hurts so much...
She told me to "DONT... WASTE... ANYMORE... TIME... ON... ME."
She is 4 years younger than me...
Shes not even fully developed... there are better looking girls out there that like me...
why am I attracted to her? I barely know her... And, no, dont say that Im the type of guy that goes after something that is hard to get, that I only like her because I cant get her...

like I kinda implied before... she is not the most attractive girl that I ever met... but I cant help but love her... dont lecture me about what love is btw... I cant describe it... but I just care for her really deeply...
I can honestly say to myself that I will do anything for her without lying to myself...
It hurts... why does her words cause so much pain to me?
those 6 little words... it felt near unbearable...
It hurts so much, that I took up smoking... it was something that I hated my dad for... but now here I am... being a hypocrit... It helps... for a few minutes... then the pain comes crashing down on you like a blizzard
I have just smoked one cigarette before typing this... I feel dizzy, my head is spinning, I feel like barfing... but the pain is drowned out... thats all I really want... but it is wearing off now... and the pain returns... this is the 2nd time I have had more than one cigarettes a day...

Fire is the extinguisher of life...
it kills, burns and rapes all in its path without prejudice...
it burns away everyting... thoughts... emotions...
the smoke caused by the fire blinds all...
the smoke drowns the mind of all thoughts...

Even that hot and wild night I had... it did not make me forget about her... though we never even held hands... she holds first priority in my life...
                                -David iLover

Last night was a friends birthday party, we went to Elizabeth Center for awhile.
Everyone was having fun, yet I felt so depressed... I kinda stayed away from everyone else, didnt wanna ruin anyone elses fun...

We went out to dinner at Jin Fong Restaurant on Elizabeth Ave, the food was decent but the service sucked. Throughout the whole dinner, there was not a single waiter at our table.

Though I must admit I am bitter because the girl that I like was there, and she kinda just avoided me completely...

Everyone went to China Town Fair while I left. At the subway station, as I was about to swipe, I didnt feel like going home...

So I ended up walking around Manhattan, I walked and walked and ended up at a bar.
I guess I do look way older than I really am... I wasnt even asked my age.

Well... after like 30-40mins and 2-6 beers, I fucking lost track. A girl comes up to me and started to talking to me. I wasn't really into the conversation, was thinking about the other girl. All I remember was "I think you are kinda cute."  "Wanna come over to my place?"

I was absolutely wasted... I had no idea where we were going... At her place, the moment she took off my pants and started giving me a blowjob however,,, I instantly became sober...
I was like holy shit...
It was the first time that I got a blowjob... it felt good though... I kinda came like 5 minutes into it though... she was kinda surprised by it... and she drank the whole thing... wow... it is so much sexier watching a girl drink in real life than watching porno... this is not my first time having sex just first time for bj.

We started off anal... also first time... was an interesting experience. I came inside her ass... then she sticked her finger in her ass and licked it... dam so hot...
she told me to eat her pussy raw... I went down there and dam it was dripping like a leaky faucet. She told me to stop that she had to go pee... but... well...
I had to go with her, I asked her if she can do it in the tub and pee on my face... she agreed

We started doing it in the tub then... 4-5mins after I sticked inside her she said to pull out... I obliged... she squirted... we kinda cuddled for the rest of the night...

In the morning she said she had a great night, but that it was only about the sex

I have to go now... I will write more later